Reflections in a Murky Pond

What was a pristine spring of hope 24 years ago is today a murky pond- my mind sullied by education, society, relationships, expectations, ambitions....Here are a few reflections i am able to make out before the hyacinths take over this pond..

Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Return of Innocence….

Every step of hers was an excruciating decision. She was going back to a place in time- the moments, the era she had denied existence for the last four years. The journey from that place till here had been devastating and she was taking the way back now. What was she thinking? Was she thinking at all? She had not even noticed when she dropped her umbrella, when she became half wet in the drizzle that was trying to wash away God knows what ; and when she dropped her resolve never to tread the path she was currently racing on. One phone call was enough to melt down a wall she had so assiduously erected over the last few years…..

Before she knew she was standing on the footsteps of Lohia Hospital. She felt a soul wrenching pain run all through her body. Four years ago, it was here that she had lost everything- her past, present and even the future, and here she was again ready to lose whatever was left of her.

Four years ago, the same white edifice of the hospital towered over her as the tombstone of her dreams, ambitions, expectations, joy, hope and even her real self. Her eyes still preserved the sight of the this white tombstone fade away in the horizon as she tried hard to wish away the emptiness in her womb that was slowly sucking her soul and the emptiness left by the absence of a shoulder her tears so badly needed. For four years she had turned her eyes away from the images, her ears away from the sounds and numbed her soul to block out the pain. Now she had invited back her past with all its stench.

Here she was rushing to him when he needed her. There were questions in the air that chased her every step of the way: “Where was he when you needed him? It was his child too…..Why didn’t he come as you writhed in pain losing the baby and your motherhood?........You are as busy as he was that day or for that matter any day; so why are you here?........How can you forget all that happened?....Why are you doing this?......” Then there was a sound: “It’s him……” and the questions melted away into the background. She was looking through the glass door at a face she had chased away from her dreams every night for four years; a face she longed to see every day of the last four years; a face that was the centre of her life before she threw the face and her life out of the cocoon of her denial.

As she sat by his side she started mumbling and all the words trapped in her heart, in her mind and in her soul found their way out. The words had been incarcerated for four years and flowed from her lips like an unstoppable mountain brook. It didn’t matter that he was unconscious for the last two days; she knew she was reaching through to the only man she ever reached through to. She held his hand and a tear rolled down her cheek on to the hands approving the union. Four years ago when she lost her child and her marriage she lost a little more- she had lost her innocence, her ability to trust- her soul mate had left her alone in the most painful moment of her life. Today, somehow she had redeemed her innocence. She could forgive again, she could trust again. She had finally accepted what she had denied all this time- he still meant the world to her.

She didn’t notice when darkness evaporated and sunlight slipped in to eavesdrop on her monologue. She didn’t notice when, after an era, she slept on his hand again - the hand which would give her a pat every time she did so while she went off to sleep talking to him late in the nights. She didn’t notice when he regained consciousness in the night and gave her a small pat.

The rain had washed away a lot the previous night- today, it was bright sunny day…..

2 Comments:

Blogger vibha said...

good work tarun..at some points u reach the peak of expressions..when words become sheer emotions in your work! liked it :)

12:17 PM  
Blogger Boban Ignatius said...

kewl 1

5:13 AM  

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